Puntificating

Puns, baseless accusations, and other thoughts that lack cohesion

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WHIPLASH - Movie Review

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I loved Whiplash.

Being a musician myself, I recognize that Whiplash is a wonderful movie that teaches you that jazz is a beautiful form of music built on a foundation of people being assholes to each other.

If only I had been lucky enough for someone to be as big an asshole to me in my formative years as JK Simmons is to his students in this film, I might be one of the world’s greatest musicians.  But unfortunately I had the shit rotten luck that people were generally nice to me growing up, which means my entire existence is now worthless.  The director of Whiplash has my sincerest gratitude for leading me to this epiphany.

It is clear to me now that I will never achieve true musical greatness because I haven’t felt so pressured to perform that I would literally refuse to go to the hospital after a car crash and instead go straight to the amphitheater covered in my own blood without even bothering to wipe any of it off, and try to slyly take my seat with the band as if nothing happened.

I was particularly struck by the scene in the bar in which JK Simmons calmly waxes philosophical about how none of his students ever went on to become great, but then of course arrives at the inevitable conclusion that it’s because he still isn’t being a big enough asshole to them.  After all, everyone knows that literally the ONLY REASON Charlie Parker ever became a great jazz player is because his teacher nearly decapitated him with a cymbal (on purpose), and therefore being a violent asshole is the ONE AND ONLY TRUE METHOD to make anyone achieve greatness.  I mean why hasn’t anyone tried to decapitate ME with a musical instrument?  I wanna be like Charlie Parker. And now thanks to Whiplash I know that all it takes is a willingness to continue to take music lessons from a man whose course syllabus includes attempted murder.

Oh, and the student he drove to suicide? Fuck that pussy, jazz isn’t for sissy ass quitters like that.

Filed under whiplash movies movie reviews film reviews cinema jk simmons

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Charlie Strong has dismissed enough players that you could form an ALL-DISMISSAL TEAM with a complete 2-deep roster AND a quarterback controversy.   You could call the team THE TEXAS EXES.  
I picture a future where Charlie Strong walks into an empty locker room on game day and says “where the hell are all my players?” and the lone remaining non-fired assistant says “Sir you dismissed every last one of them.”  To which Charlie Strong would reply “THAT KIND OF CAN’T-DO ATTITUDE IS NOT THE TEXAS WAY!  YOU’RE DISMISSED!”
Then afterwards, a stone cold Charlie Strong stands alone in the dark locker room as he overhears the stadium’s PA announcer declare that Texas has lost the game by forfeit due to not having enough players to field a team.  Quietly, Charlie bows his head and says, “IT IS ALMOST DONE.  THERE REMAINS ONLY ONE FINAL PERSON TO BE DISMISSED FROM THE TEXAS LONGHORNS FOOTBALL TEAM.  AND THAT PERSON’S NAME IS….CHARLIE STRONG.’
The next day’s headline: CHARLIE STRONG DISMISSES CHARLIE STRONG, CIRCLE NOW COMPLETE

Charlie Strong has dismissed enough players that you could form an ALL-DISMISSAL TEAM with a complete 2-deep roster AND a quarterback controversy.   You could call the team THE TEXAS EXES.  

I picture a future where Charlie Strong walks into an empty locker room on game day and says “where the hell are all my players?” and the lone remaining non-fired assistant says “Sir you dismissed every last one of them.”  To which Charlie Strong would reply “THAT KIND OF CAN’T-DO ATTITUDE IS NOT THE TEXAS WAY!  YOU’RE DISMISSED!”

Then afterwards, a stone cold Charlie Strong stands alone in the dark locker room as he overhears the stadium’s PA announcer declare that Texas has lost the game by forfeit due to not having enough players to field a team.  Quietly, Charlie bows his head and says, “IT IS ALMOST DONE.  THERE REMAINS ONLY ONE FINAL PERSON TO BE DISMISSED FROM THE TEXAS LONGHORNS FOOTBALL TEAM.  AND THAT PERSON’S NAME IS….CHARLIE STRONG.’

The next day’s headline: CHARLIE STRONG DISMISSES CHARLIE STRONG, CIRCLE NOW COMPLETE

Filed under Charlie Strong Texas Longhorns NCAA Football College Football sports lol